What Is Codependency?
“Codependency is typically discussed in the context of substance use, where one person is abusing the substance, and he or she depends on the other person to supply money, food, or shelter. But codependency is much broader than that,” says Jonathan Becker, DO, an associate professor of clinical psychiatry at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee. “Codependency can be defined as any relationship in which two people become so invested in each other that they can’t function independently anymore," Dr. Becker says. “Your mood, happiness, and identity are defined by the other person. In a codependent relationship, there is usually one person who is more passive and can’t make decisions for themselves, and a more dominant personality who gets some reward and satisfaction from controlling the other person and making decisions about how they will live.” According to Mental Health America, codependency is often referred to as “relationship addiction,” in that codependent people tend to form and become dependent on unhealthy, emotionally harmful relationships. RELATED: 9 Signs You’re in a Healthy Relationship “Codependency becomes problematic when one person is taking advantage of the other financially or emotionally,” Becker says. What’s behind this behavior, though, is typically subconscious — one person is not necessarily knowingly trying to manipulate the other, even if that’s the outcome. Similarly, a person who defines himself through the relationship may not be doing so in a conscious way. Gaining awareness of the subconscious motivations at work is key to improving the situation. Enabling is a sign of an unhealthy codependence. Mary-Catherine Segota, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Counseling Resource Services in Winter Garden, Florida, describes enabling as a behavior that’s used to ease relationship tension caused by one partner’s problematic habits. Enabling behavior, which is rarely seen in healthy relationships, includes bailing your partner out (of jail or financial problems), repeatedly giving him or her another chance, ignoring the problem, accepting excuses, always being the one trying to fix the problem, or constantly coming to the rescue in other ways. Having a codependent personality is not currently considered a diagnosable mental health condition. But some research has suggested a connection between codependent traits and conditions that are recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the guide used by mental health professionals for diagnosis. For instance, an exploratory study in Alcoholism Treatment Quarterly found a correlation between codependency and borderline personality disorder traits. Signs of codependency include:
Difficulty making decisions in a relationshipDifficulty identifying your feelingsDifficulty communicating in a relationshipValuing the approval of others more than valuing yourselfLacking trust in yourself and having poor self-esteemHaving fears of abandonment or an obsessive need for approvalHaving an unhealthy dependence on relationships, even at your own costHaving an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
RELATED: 10 Ways to Boost Your Emotional Health But if you seek out, maintain, or even feed off relationships that are not fulfilling or healthy, you could be codependent. Once codependency is identified, it can be successfully treated, Becker says. Here’s how. Pursue counseling. “Talk to a mental health provider to help rebuild your sense of self and realize why you rely so much on the other person,” Becker says. Codependency results from a failure to set personal boundaries, and learning how to do that — through therapy — is essential to healing. Consider couples therapy. Sometimes the relationship can be helped or even saved by therapy to reduce codependency, Becker says. Reconnect with friends and family. “Being in a codependent relationship can lead to isolation, which fuels the loss of self,” Becker says. “Call or email those people from whom you’ve distanced yourself, and start to rebuild these relations.” Carve out “you time.” “If you once enjoyed music and gave up lessons or practicing, pick up where you left off,” Becker suggests. “Return to doing the things you once enjoyed before you became so enmeshed with the other person.” Seek treatment for substance abuse. “If you are abusing drugs or alcohol, talk to your doctor about treatment options,” he says. “This holds for the other partner, too, as there are support groups and resources for family members affected by substance abuse, such as Al-Anon. Additional reporting by Denise Mann.
