Ever since David Duchovny and Tiger Woods checked themselves into to a sex addiction treatment center, a lot of women might be wondering if their guy is hiding secrets. After all, if some of the most famous people could conceal their cheating for years, who’s to say regular guys couldn’t? It’s hardly news that men like sex. But that perception – and expectation – can make it tough for women to figure out what’s normal and not when it comes to their man’s sexual demands. According to research by pioneering sex addiction researcher/therapist Patrick Carnes, about 3%-6% of American men and women have a sexual compulsion. This ranges from obsessively watching Internet porn, excessive masturbation and cyber/phone sex to frequent anonymous encounters, regular visits to prostitutes or massage parlors and strings of affairs. Even if you catch your man cheating, how do you know if he’s acting out a compulsion or just being a player? Motivation is the key difference between an addict and a womanizer, experts say. The latter is feeding his ego with conquests. A sex addict turns to porn or anonymous hookups the way an alcoholic reaches for scotch. So if your partner has been unfaithful or is acting suspicious, how can you tell if sex addiction is to blame? Check out these top 10 warning signs:

  1. He’s glued to the computer. In the past, men didn’t have many visual sex outlets – just a magazine or video. Enter the internet, where the ever-changing, largely free buffet of online porn keeps many addicts well fed, says Robert Weiss, LCSW, founder and director of the Los Angeles-based Sexual Recovery Institute. If your man starts spending hours online, behind closed doors, with vague explanations about how he’s working or surfing, there may be more going on. “[Sex addicts] look at porn 3-4 hours a day, 4-5 days a week,” Weiss says. “They lose time for recreation, family and other interests.” It’s the combination of unlimited porn options and sexual arousal that keeps them hooked. “It becomes this endless hunt for the next exciting thing, and that’s very addictive,” he says. Finding a Playboy in the bathroom or dirty DVDs in the closet doesn’t mean he’s an addict. But it’s a red flag if it’s shockingly hardcore (to you) or if his porn pile rivals a library’s collection of books, says Weiss.If he tells you the stash is his only sexual secret and you discover he’s lied and there’s more – for example, chat rooms, phone sex or massages with “happy endings” – be worried.
  2. He always flakes on plans or runs late. Sex addiction is a huge time suck, which could lead to a pattern of broken commitments. “Part of him knows it would be better to do something else,” explains Manhattan relationship therapist Michael Batshaw, LCSW. “That’s the compulsive part.”
  3. Hearing “Not tonight” makes him moody. Nobody likes to be rejected and you don’t need to be a psychologist to know that most guys are happier and more relaxed after sex. It’s even understandable if he’s a little antsy if it’s been a while since you two have done a mambo between the sheets. Without sex, “there’s a palpable edginess, a nastiness, as if he needs a fix,” Paz says. How long before the nastiness kicks in? “For some, it will be a day [sans sex], for others every couple of days,” she says. “It depends on how advanced the addiction is.”
  4. He acts like he’s directing –and starring in –a porn flick. Some addicts suddenly want sex with their partners all the time, but when they’re having it, the emotional connection’s missing. “There’s no loving in it,” Batshaw notes. “It’s all about the release. ”Another tell-tale sign: His sexual requests are getting freakier. “This is a pervasive, persistent request to up the ante,” not couples deciding to try new things, Paz says. Just like with other types of addicts, he may need increasing amounts of sex to feed his high. That’s the progressive nature of addiction. If conventional sex – doing and looking at it – no longer arouses him, he may need more provocative imagery and deviant sex (perhaps to act out what he’s seen) to get excited. If he’s feeding his addiction elsewhere – whether through porn or physical encounters with others – he may lose interest in sex with you. Or he may be ready and willing, but unable to finish. “If suddenly he isn’t able to climax during regular sex with you, that’s a sign he’s desensitized himself to healthy one-on-one sex,” Paz says. “Minus the camera angles, the thrill of getting caught or the anonymity – whatever the addiction is – he has a harder time climaxing. ”For some sex addicts, intercourse is almost beside the point. They get a thrill from planning, hunting and anticipation – not the act. “It’s all about the looking, secrecy [and] double life,” Weiss says. Besides, addicts usually feel a lot of shame after sex is over, he says. “Why would they want to bring that on?”
  5. You notice some financial fishiness. Money missing from the bank account, unfamiliar credit charges or a card you didn’t know existed are all signs that something’s wrong. Dig into his background a little. What was his childhood home life like? Sex addicts often come from families where at least one parent has an addiction. Plus, ask whether his parents were sexually repressive or permissive. It’s not unusual for sex addicts to grow up in homes where attitudes about sex weren’t healthy – either with few boundaries or many taboos. In many cases, childhood sexual, physical or emotional abuse or neglect is a possibility. Sex addiction can also develop when kids have a fear of failure or face intense pressure to excel as a student, artist or athlete. “Addiction is a response to shame,” Batshaw explains. “Some teens drink or smoke pot to relieve feelings of not being good enough; others cope by masturbating. ”But how does masturbation develop into addiction? “Compulsive masturbation can start with a kid who’s really controlled and has a tremendous amount of anxiety,” he says. Once puberty hits, the major way to reduce anxiety is masturbation. Once someone gets to the age where they can play out fantasies, they transfer to other compulsive sexual acts, he says.
  6. Your inner voice is raising alarms. If your gut’s telling you that your man has a sexually related problem – whether it’s porn addiction cyber sex or infidelity – don’t be dissuaded by excuses or rationalizations. “Women feel like they’re made out to be crazy people,” Weiss says. “[The men] turn the blame around saying, ‘Why are you so jealous? Why are you suspicious? Why are you going after me?’ ”Bottom line: Don’t feel like there’s something wrong with you for doubting him. “When women find out the full extent of a man’s acting out, they’re like, ‘Oh my God! I was right!’” Sex Addicts Anonymous Sexaholics Anonymous Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous Sexual Compulsives Anonymous Sexual Recovery Anonymous Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health Writer Norine Dworkin-McDaniel is a frequent contributor to Lifescript. Rate Your Sex Drive Find out where your libido rates on the sex-o-meter and what you can do if you’re running low on steam.